


The Genesis of the Paternoster Gang

by Herminbean



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Beginnings, Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 09:05:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15627363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Herminbean/pseuds/Herminbean
Summary: Strax joins the Paternoster gang, but has trouble fitting in. Jenny, in particular, is not too happy about his arrival





	1. Doors

The doors of 13 Paternoster Row had been idle for a while. Not that they minded. Whenever the lizardy one and the fleshy one went away on one of their long adventures, it gave them a chance to chill their hinges. Usually people were constantly barging in and out of them. Upset wives, disgruntled husbands, once even what appeared to be a small white blob. A doors life was one of being constantly pushed around. Not many understood what they went through or cared for that matter. The Paternosters doors were no exception. And so, they sat, and thought about door things. Right up until that familiar jingle sound, and they all sighed deeply as they were pushed once again and realized their holiday was over. In came the Lizardy one followed quickly by the fleshy one. And behind them, the new one.

“Come on in Strax. The neighbours are staring” The lizardy one said, removing her coat.

The new one, which was apparently called Strax, but the doors decided to just call the new one for now, stepped awkwardly through. He looked disdainfully around the house.

“Human dwelling. Why do you stay in such an antiquated headquarters?”

“Where would you suggest we live in 1888?” The lizardy one asked with a mocking tone.

“Surely these apes have some form of advancements in this time?” The new one wiped his stubby finger across one of the doors frames, which it did not like one bit. “Not even dust proof surfaces? Savages.”

“If you hate it so much, here” The fleshy one threw a dust removal device to the new one. He looked at it with contempt.

“I am a warrior, not a maid”

“I thought you were a nurse?” The fleshy one mocked. The new one glowered and was about to pipe up, but the lizardy one beat him to it.

“No, we can’t have you be a nurse. That wouldn’t fit. Not many people have a live-in nurse at this time. A butler will suffice.”

The new one looked affronted. “A butler? I am no butler, reptile. How dare you bring me down to the level of butler.”

“Do you even know what a butler is?” The fleshy one asked.

“Of course I do, boy. A butler is…” The new one trailed off as he pulled out some sort of device. He probably thought he was being subtler than he was, but if a door can even tell what you’re doing, subtlety is not in the equation. “It’s a human servant whose tasks mostly revolve around answering the door and taking coats. Like I said, I am no butler”

“Your device must be a bit broken Strax” The lizardy one said in that voice she used when she was being sneaky. “A butler answers the door yes, because they are the first line of defence. They screen the visitors because they are the most qualified to spot a threat. And they remove coats as an extra precaution. Who better than you to make sure our clients are safe to enter our headquarters?”

The new one thought hard on that. It was clear that intelligence was not what this one excelled in. If anything, it gave the doors great amusement to watch this potato wrestle with this new information, or nonformation, he had been dealt with. Finally, the new one stood up straight to attention.

“Then I shall take my new title of “butler” with great honour, reptile.”

“Thank you Strax. However, butlers refer to me as ma’am, not reptile.”

“Forgive me ma’am. I am ready and willing to obliterate any no gooders who attempt to disrupt our operation here.”

“Actually, Strax, best leave any obliterating to us, eh?” The lizardy one said. The doors noticed the fleshy one’s face changed to that of worry. Not that they cared. “I think your first task should be to find some more fitting clothes.”

The new one looked down at his ridiculous blue armour. “What’s wrong with this? This is a symbol of Sontaran purity.”

“Well on earth it’s a symbol of “look at me, I’m a walking bin”” The fleshy one snapped. The new one looked a bit hurt by that, or as close to hurt as his squashed face could portray.

“What Jenny means is, you will fit into earth better if you got yourself a butler’s outfit. They’re in the room, there.” The lizardy one pointed at one of the doors, which incidentally was another one of the doors pet peeves

“Aah, of course repti…I mean, ma’am. I shall return shortly in more fitting attire.”

The new one bowed awkwardly, and marched off into the room, slamming the door behind him much to the doors dismay. The lizardy one looked over to the fleshy one and smiled. The fleshy one returned a less certain smile, which quickly faded once she was out of eyeline. If the doors cared, they might have wondered why.


	2. Clothes

Clothes had always been a mystery to Strax. Sontarans were made to fit one particular shape, and that made armour manufacturing pretty straight forward. Humans were all over the place. Up, down, pointy, not pointy, and their “clothes” were even more erratic. He spent quite a long time around humans in the last few years, since the Doctor forced him to be a nurse for them as punishment, and he had an up-close view of a lot of the clothing that not many Sontarans had before. So, he wasn’t completely lost when entered the room and saw the clothes hanging up in a row. They almost looked like they were lined up for a firing squad. That brought a smile to his lips. The good old days. 

Strax shook the thought from his head. “You’re a butler.” He murmured to himself. “Protect, not break necks.”

He strode over to the clothes and inspected them one by one. What would a butler wear? Something that said confidence. He thought back to his time at the war camps. Those soldiers didn’t seem all that confident. All that crying and whining. And why? Just because they took one measly shot to the arm or the leg or the….bit in the middle. No no, that wouldn’t do at all. 

And then it came to him. While the platoon visited towns, they would often visit a thing called a “pub”. The soldiers would drink some form of liquid that made them very confident. Not that this liquid had any effect on Strax. No matter how much he drank, he never felt the need to stand on the table and jiggle his body around to the noises coming from the contraption in the corner. However, there were other humans in that establishment, who never seemed to drink, but seemed extremely confident. And, it just so happen, the very thing they wore was staring at him right now.

…

Strax admired himself in the mirror. Not too bad. If this didn’t say confidence, nothing would. Was the colour right though? Did that even matter? Humans seemed obsessed with colour, so he assumed it did. That was another thing Sontarans didn’t have to worry about. What did colour matter? We all bleed the same colour. Well, technically we don’t, but still.

Strax had been thinking about the humans obsession with the importance of colour so deeply, that he barely heard the movement in the corner. It was slight, but unmistakable. A rustle, and then silence. 

An intruder. This was fantastic. What better opportunity to prove to his comrades that he was more than up for this new role. He licked his lips. This was always the best part. The anticipation. The fool sneaking up behind him had no idea what he was walking into. He’d have to be quick. No sense taking the risk of being killed…again. All he had to do, was not miss.

Quick as a flash, Strax spun around, lifted his blaster up and shot a single bolt towards the enemy. A deafening explosion rang out as the corner of the room flew into a hundred pieces. Had he missed? There didn’t seem to be a body falling to the ground in stunned defeat. Strax lowered his gun and tilted his head as if hoping a different angle would reveal his vanquished foe.

The door burst open, and in ran his comrades, swords drawn and ready for combat. He could see he had chosen a fine team to join.

“What on earth was that?” His commander hissed, her reptilian eyes darting around the room.

“Simply defending our base of operations, ma’am.” Strax announced proudly. “I detected an intruder, and acted in a way befitting a….”

“Are you wearing one of my dresses?” Jenny blurted out in anger.

Strax looked down at the clothing he had chosen for himself. If he had known it belonged to his comrade, he would have chosen the red one instead.

“My apologies, I simply thought it fitted my rank as butler”

“Well, I’m glad it fitted your rank, cos it sure ain’t gonna fit me no more, is it?”

It was true that Strax’s stature had morphed the clothing somewhat. Frankly, he began to feel rather foolish. Why, oh why hadn’t he gone for the red one? Maybe the humans were onto something with this whole colour being important malarkey.

“Never mind all that, what was that explosion?” Vastra repeated.

Strax perked up. At least this will redeem him. “An intruder Ma’am. I heard it, plain as day, and shot to kill”

Vastra looked around the room. “Well, where is this intruder?”

Strax frowned. “Well, that’s what I’m trying to work out as well. You see, I fired with pinpoint accuracy, and….well, the only logical thing I can think of is my shot was so powerful I completely obliterated them. Yes, that makes perfect sense.”

He looked for the impressed looks in his comrades’ eyes. However, their eyes weren’t even looking at him. They were looking up. Strax followed their gaze to the ceiling. Imbedded in roof was a small, golden cage. And from the cage, yellow feathers drifted down. The cage slowly slipped from the hole in the roof and came hurtling to the ground. It crashed on the floor between the three of them, and a cloud of feathers burst from it.

“Ah.” Said Strax. This couldn’t be good.


	3. Hud

Never before had Vastras chambers seemed so quiet. Even when she was alone, and concentrating on a case, she was always aware of the buzzing of insects or the dripping of moisture. It would appear that even the insects found this situation too unbearable and had made their leave, and the room was as dry as Vastras own mouth. She sat in her chair, holding her refreshment, and waited. In front of her stood her lovely partner, seething, arms crossed, and ready for a fight. It wasn’t the first time Vastra had seen Jenny like this, and she was sure it wouldn’t be the last. In truth, she kind of liked it. It was cute. However, that was when the anger was directed at her. Vastra knew how to deal with that anger. Now, the anger was directed at the Sontaran standing to attention right next to Jenny. If it were some stranger who would be out of their house after the case was solved, that would be no problem either. However, if things went the way Vastra intended, Strax would be around for some time to come. Then again, when had things gone the way Vastra intended?

“Ma’am, if I may…” Strax began. Vastra raised a hand sharply, and the Sontaran fell silent.

In truth, Vastra was relieved Strax spoke. It was important in this moment to show that she was in charge, and silencing someone with a simple hand movement was the perfect opportunity. If Jenny had spoken first, there was no way this would have worked. However, Jenny was so furious, it seemed she was doing all she could to not explode, so Vastra had a feeling she wouldn’t be piping up anytime soon. A gamble, but one that paid off.

Vastra took a slow sip of her red refreshment. Usually she did this to make the apes who entered her chamber uneasy. An uneasy ape is more likely to reveal the true intent of their visit. She knew Strax wouldn’t be so affected, but she was extremely thirsty, and if her voice cracked when she first spoke, authority would be lost.

“Go on” Vastra hissed to Strax. He seemed a little uneasy. Good.

“If I may, ma’am. I’m not fully sure what the fuss is all about”

The room fell silent again, but Vastra could almost hear the fury rise in Jenny. An explosive argument is not what was needed, and so Vastra raised a single finger off her chair in the direction of Jenny. She seemed to get the message and contained her rage.

“Well, Strax, let me explain it.” Vastra took another sip, then placed the glass down on the table. “You see, humans and many other intelligent beings like to take care of the smaller, sweeter creatures. They care for them, and they love them. What you did was take that away from Jenny here. Your actions caused her suffering. Do you see?”

Strax scrunched up his face. It was obvious that he struggled to understand these concepts. However, he did struggle when he could just dismiss. Vastra admired this in him, despite the frustration.

“I…I believe I can understand. So, when I decimated this…this…” The word was lost on him.

“She was called Hud.” Jenny finally snapped. Vastra was impressed it wasn’t the barrage of expletives she was expecting.

“…this Hud, it was tantamount to decimating a superior officer. Well, like yourself, ma’am.”

“Correct.” Not quite, but if this is the level Strax would sympathise, it would do.

“Then I apologize. I insist you confiscate my weapon, and I shall except any punishment you deem necessary for this treachery.”

“Punishment won’t be necessary Strax. The apology is enough and learn from it. We take care before we use force. Understood?”

“Understood, ma’am. And, boy.” Strax turned to Jenny and offered a hadnshake. “I offer my sincere apologies.”

It was clear to Vastra, this apology was not accepted. Jenny didn’t look at Strax, but the scowl was certainly aimed at him. She stepped forward, ignoring the hand, and gave a slight bow to Vastra.

“Ma’am, if that’s all?”

Vastra nodded, and Jenny stormed out the room. Strax looked confused as he stared at his unshaken hand.

“Was that…did she accept?” Strax stammered.

“No, she did not Strax.”

“All due respect ma’am, shouldn’t you have made her accept?”

Vastra picked up her refreshment and swirled it around slowly. “I do not order things like that. Ordering someone to accept an apology is pointless. This, this is something you will have to work on Strax. There is a way to make Jenny forgive you, but it’s important that you, and you alone, find out what it is” She smirked and took a sip. “Good luck.”


	4. Sonta-ha

Jenny turned the page on her book. Whenever she had an outburst, she found it therapeutic to become lost in one of the many stories she had in her library. The problem with living a life of such unrelenting excitement however was that it took one heck of a book to keep her attention. After all, after battling a gigantic land whale, and sending it back to its home planet, somehow the story of Moby Dick seemed more like homework than an escape. Fortunately, Madame Vastra had acquired some remarkable books, most of which denoted stories in the Doctors life. Whether they were true or not was anyone’s guess, but that hardly mattered. They were fantastical and nonsensical, and quite honestly, was also like homework, but more like studying for an important exam rather than mundane mathematics.

The gun slid into Jenny’s eyesight and bumped into her book. She looked up to see Strax standing to attention in front of her. She sighed and closed her book on her finger, keeping her page. Not a moment of peace in this house.

“What is this Strax?”

“We have had a falling out. A rift in a platoon is not good for morale. It must be fixed”

“And, you want to fix that by me shooting you” Jenny asked in a mocking tone.

“Yes.” Strax answered without hesitation.

Jenny pushed the gun back across the table in one swift motion. “Strax, as much as I’d love to kill you, I don’t see how that will help platoon morale when you’re dead.” She went back to her book. “Although it might cheer me up somewhat.” She muttered under her breath. 

Strax pushed the gun back across the table, bumping Jenny’s book once again, much to her annoyance. “You misunderstand, boy. You will not simply be shooting me.”

“Oh no?” She closed her book and looked up at Strax in exaggerated wonder.

“No, that would be insanity. I shall be shooting you as well.” He pulled a gun out from behind him and gave her a smirk, as if he just made the situation better.

Jenny stared at him blankly. She pushed the gun back without saying a word and went back to her book. Strax cleared his throat.

“A duel. A battle between two experts in their field. The victor shall reign supreme, the loser shall offer their respect to victor and bow down to their might. Sonta-ha. Sonta-ha. Sonta-ha.” Strax began beating his fist into his hand over and over as he chanted.

“Strax…”  


“Sonta-ha. Sonta-ha.”

“Strax.”

“Sonta-ha Sonta-ha Sonta…”

“STRAX!”

Strax froze with his fist raised, ready to pound it into his fist. Jenny cleared her throat and tried to remain calm.

“How, exactly, is this going to help? I ain’t just gonna kill you. Now it seems there’s a chance I’ll die, and I don’t see how that’s preferable.”

“Are you simple minded, boy?” He caught himself and tried again. “I mean, it’s very simple. I have rigged the guns to simply stun. No death. Boring, I know, but I foresaw your grievance.”

Jenny raised her eyebrow up at Strax. “You really think I’m going to trust my life in your expertise to change the entire settings on that thing, you got another thing coming.”

“It’s perfectly safe, boy.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I’m telling you, it is.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“Look, boy, I’ll prove it.” Strax said angrily. 

He picked the gun off the table, pointed it at his chest, and pulled the trigger. A flash illuminated the room, and next thing Strax was on the floor, eyes wide, immobilized. Jenny stood up and looked down on Strax.

“Firstly, I’m a girl. And secondly, I win.” She stepped over Strax’s body and headed for the door. “Sonta-ha.”


	5. Kitty

_Well, I’ve had stranger jobs._

Kitty racked her mind for one, but at this precise moment, none came to mind. She was told by the male to sit there, and to not move. She was used to men just staring at her, in fact surprisingly that’s what a lot of her clients wanted. This, this was different though. There wasn’t usually a maid present as well.

The female was pretty enough. She would probably be even prettier if she didn’t have the ultimate sourpuss on her face. Men were in the habit of telling Kitty to smile, and it drove her nuts. Right now, though, looking at this maid glaring at her, she was tempted to tell her the same thing. Whatever the reason for her anger though, Kitty was sure she had her reasons.

The male, Kitty could only assume was a soldier injured in some kind of war. He carried himself with the same weight and grace as the soldiers who had hired her in the past, but his face was grotesque, and he had clearly lost some fingers in the war he must have fought in. His body was swollen, and his head was so bulbous his neck was practically non-existent. In fact, it seemed like it was non-existent. Kitty assumed it must have been pity eating. She had seen injured soldiers eat and eat before, but never to this degree. The only positive thing she could say is that, unlike the maid, he had the biggest smile on his face. It was fake, Kitty had learnt to spot the fake smiles over the years, but never the less, it was a smile.

They both sat, staring at her, wearing white female nightgowns and towels wrapped around their heads. The maid looked lovely. The soldier looked like a physically deformed soldier sitting in a female nightgown with a towel wrapped around his head. She didn’t get what they were meant to be getting out of this, but as long as she got paid. Clearly the maid didn’t know what they were meant to get either, as she was the first to speak up.

“Strax,” She said, wearily “what are we doing?”

“Bonding.” The soldier responded, not taking his eyes off Kitty, or the smile off his face.

“How is this bonding?”

The soldier broke his eye contact and took out some kind of…something. He tapped at it and it made several strange noises. It was new to Kitty, but she assumed he must know what he was doing.

“Well, I understand I made a grievous mistake with the duel. I mistook you for a boy, and that is how boys’ bond.”

“It’s not but go on.”

“Well, when I looked up how the female of your species bonds, I found this”

He handed the device to the maid who took it and read out aloud.

“The females of the species “Homo Erectus” commonly find it difficult to bond with each other. One sure fire way they achieve this is through the ritual of adorning sleepwear and watching “Pretty Woman” in each other’s company.”

The maid lowered the device and gave the soldier a look that Kitty knew all too well. It was the look Kitty saved for the particularly stupid.

The maid stood up sharply and whipped the towel from her head. She threw it at the soldier and made for the door.

“Wait, we’re not done yet. We still have the “Pillow Fight”. Seems unsporting, but if that’s what you female humans do, then we shall decimate those pillows.” The soldier pulled out what seemed to be some sort of gun, but oddly shaped. Kitty was used to this as well, and barely blinked.

The maid turned on the soldier. “Strax, stop. None of this is going to make me trust you.” 

He looked perplexed. “Trust? I don’t…”

“Look, you’re one of the most dangerous soldiers in existence, designed specifically to wipe out things that are different to you.”

“You flatter me, my lady.”

“Shut up.” Clearly the maid was done messing around. “When Madame Vastra suggested taking you on, I went with it. But, you are dangerous. If you ever decided to turn on us, there is little to nothing we can do to stop you. You’re a danger to us, and nothing can make me feel better about that.

The silence in the room was thick. It felt like it was pressing down on Kitty, keeping her from getting up and leaving this situation, as much as she wanted to. The soldier looked a mixture of confused and hurt, and it was clear from the expression on the maid that the anger had faded slightly, and regret was moving in. She didn’t show it, but Kitty could see it. The soldier straightened his nightgown and stood to attention.

“Ma’am.” He saluted the maid and headed for the door. “Pretty woman.” He nodded to Kitty as he went.

The door closed, and the maid let her regret show. She shook her head and took her leave as well, leaving Kitty alone. She let out a sigh of relief.

_Well. Time to rob these freaks._


	6. More Doors

For the last few days, the doors of 13 Paternoster Row had been kept busy. Never before had there been more slamming and angry pushing. Even though they did derive some enjoyment from seeing the potato one get knocked out and the hooker one stealing all their stuff, the doors were getting a bit sick off it. If this fighting didn’t stop soon…well, quite honestly there wasn’t all that much they could do. But they’d be pretty peeved about it. They could only hope that they would have a big mission sometime soon.

The fleshy one was busy dusting. It made a nice change to see her actually do some work around here. Really, they should hire a maid to help the fake maid out. Still, it was better than the constant fighting with the potato one. That wasn’t to last though, because right on cue, the potato one entered the room.

“A moment of your time?” 

The fleshy one looked mildly annoyed but gave him a nod. This could only end in more slamming, the doors knew.

“I was giving it some thought, and, you are correct.”

That surprised even the doors. The fleshy one turned to face the potato one with a confused look on her face.

“I was…?” She started.

“…right. You were right. I am a superior species.” Strax lowered his head, as if that was some sort of humility.

The fleshy one raised her hands in exasperation and sighed. “Yes Strax, that’s what you were meant to take from what I said. Good talk”

The potato one cleared his throat. “I could destroy you easily. You humans are so breakable. And quite honestly, the lizard is equally so. If I were to turn, I could destroy you both without really trying.”

“Good, well I feel better.” Jenny turned, annoyed, and went back to dusting a flower pot. 

The potato one stepped forward and into the fleshy ones eyeline. He took a device out from behind him. Some sort of metal plate. He held it up to the fleshy one to show her. Intrigued, she stopped dusting. The potato one placed the device onto the plant pot, and it clamped on, blending in seamlessly before everyone’s eyes. The potato one took a step back and motioned for the fleshy one to do the same. She did so, with a confused look on her face. In one swift motion, the potato one took out a small, silver looking pistol, aimed it at the plan and fired. A high bitch buzzing emanated from the gun, and the plant shimmered for a second, and then evaporated from sight. It was gone.

The potato one took out anther device and clamped it to his back. Without hesitation, he handed the gun to the bemused fleshy one. She took it in her hand and turned it over.

“One shot.” The potato one explained. “That’s all it will take. If I ever try and hurt you or your curious lizard companion, then you have the perfect way to stop me.”

The fleshy one looked dubious. “Strax, this is…”

“…necessary.” He finished. “I am a danger. Now, am less of one. I hope now you can trust me a bit more, and we can work together.”

Suddenly, the lizardy one burst into the room. She seemed a bit flustered.

“Whatever you two are doing can wait.” She said, grabbing her coat. “We have a client. An old friend needs us. Strax, you can drive. We need to go to the park.”

Without another word, she strode out the door in a hurry. The fleshy one looked at the gun and thought deeply. After a while she looked up and smiled.

“This will be better in Ma’ams possession I think. I don’t want to use it if you ever irritate me.”

“That seems like a high possibility.”

They shared a smile together. The fleshy one nodded towards the door and headed to it, followed by the potato one. 

“Especially since that was my favourite plant.”

The potato one stopped at the door and turned back to where the plant used to stand. He looked as if he wanted to say something. But he didn’t. With a shrug he turned to the door and left, closing it behind him.

And once again, the doors at 13 Paternoster Row were on holiday.


End file.
